Just finished another paper--2/3! One more to go. I wish everything didn't have to happen all at once. Why does everything in life have to come at me all at once at times? And I'm not just referring to academic work.
I hate being a girl sometimes. Okay, I should retract that statement. Being a girl can be great. Other times not so much--and I'm not just referring to that time of the month.
I remember asking God why I couldn't have been made a guy instead. For any friends reading this, please don't misunderstand. I haven't rejected my gender in any way, nor do I plan to undergo any kind of transformative surgery. ("Transformative" is not a word, but I don't care.) I sometimes wonder if life would be less troublesome if I were actually a guy. I wouldn't have to worry about drama as much and I could do the things I want to do without having to worrying about planning for a family. This past semester, I talked to one of my favorite professors about future life plans. Although he was encouraging, at one point he stopped me and said half-seriously, "I know you have a lot of energy Grace, but take one thing at a time. You can do all those things if you want, but the only factor you might have to consider is whether or not you want to have kids." I laughed it off and agreed that this was true. (Dang it God! Why couldn't men have babies instead?) Okay, I love kids--and I'm pretty sure I want to be a mom at some point. But really, why did God have to make women the reproductive carriers of life??
And if I were a guy, I wouldn't have to deal with all the social pressure I'm getting now to date. I'm not saying guys don't get this kind of pressure either; I'm sure guys do as well. But it can't be as bad as girls, since most guys date later in life anyway. It wasn't so bad freshman year, but now that I'm nearing 21--oh, so old!--I've been hearing a lot about people asking my mother whether or not I have a boyfriend yet, how about we introduce my son/so-and-so to her? It's nice of them to be concerned for my welfare, and I appreciate the thought. It's actually flattering too to some extent to hear about all the offers/calls. But most of the time it only adds to the pressure. I start doubting and questioning myself. Maybe I should be less scrupulous about this whole dating scheme? Maybe I should just date the guys who ask/the ones I'm slightly interested in for the fun of it? But I honestly can't do that with a clear conscience. It's a waste of time, money and heart for both sides if I know in the long run it's not going to last.
And here's the other tricky issue: saying no to people. I give guys props for being upfront and honest. In fact, I highly respect them for it--and for those who can understand that I'm not looking to date at this time, we usually stay good friends. But if I can help it, I'll usually try to avoid even getting to that point and give people "hints" so they don't waste their time. This is one thing I wish I could tell guys off the bat but it would be way too awkward to--if I ever give a subtle no, it's usually because of these two main reasons. 1.) As I've stated already, I'm not looking to date at this time. Not to say that might not change, but as of now, I'm not convinced yet God wants me to. 2.) I don't think our personalities are compatible, which isn't anything either person could change (or should change) in any case. I wish I could say this ahead of time so guys don't take it personally or end up with a wounded ego.
To quote a friend: wouldn't things be much easier if we were all like amoebas and could reproduce asexually?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
You never know where life will take you...
Yes, such a cliche title I know. But recently I can't help thinking that. Being the typical J person I am, I always plan ahead and strategize the steps I take towards fulfilling my goals. This is not to say that I calculate every single thing I do, because I can't predict every possible situation, but I try to foresee as much as I am able to. Of course this is where God comes in and throws the occasional wrench--the random x factor that I could not possibly have foreseen or predicted.
I've known since junior high that I wanted to go to law school and if I didn't become a lawyer, I'd at least be involved in the public sector. Right now, I'm not so sure if that's the path God is leading me towards anymore. Or at least, looking at the opportunities He has given me at this moment, I'm not sure if I will be going to law school immediately. It may be at least 5 years down the road before I do, if not more. I need to pray about this, and I hope God gives me an answer, SOON.
At the same time, I can't help appreciating the occasional wrench God throws at my plans. It does make life more exciting--and at least this particular one isn't unpleasant.
I've known since junior high that I wanted to go to law school and if I didn't become a lawyer, I'd at least be involved in the public sector. Right now, I'm not so sure if that's the path God is leading me towards anymore. Or at least, looking at the opportunities He has given me at this moment, I'm not sure if I will be going to law school immediately. It may be at least 5 years down the road before I do, if not more. I need to pray about this, and I hope God gives me an answer, SOON.
At the same time, I can't help appreciating the occasional wrench God throws at my plans. It does make life more exciting--and at least this particular one isn't unpleasant.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Exercising my left side of the brain
I'm really glad I started writing again. I feel like I've been suppressing a lot of thoughts and emotions this past year because of school and all the busy-ness that comes with the school-year. I've neglected my left side of the brain sadly. This is probably why I'm more of an ENTJ during the school year and then more ENFJ when I'm relaxed during the summer. But even still..it seems foreign writing about how I "feel." It's kind of scary how I can close myself off emotionally to things and then become less and less sympathetic to people's emotions, especially when people are expressing more vulnerable emotions.
I think I've come to perceive expressing emotions to people and in public as a weakness. I know the stereotype is that it's okay for women to cry and flail in public, and if a woman is crying for a good reason, it's completely understandable. Despite that, I still think it's inappropriate to express emotions that are too private or too vulnerable in public. This is why I hate PDA and can't stand people who do it--(and definitely stay away from guys who seem like the PDA types). Why do some people feel the need to prostitute their emotions and activities to the world? I don't get it. If you are going to slobber all over each other, do it behind a door at least.
I like to make fun of my melodramatic friends, but I guess I'm a hypocrite because I hide my melodramatic-ness. I suppose one of the few ways I do express this side is through music, writing or playing piano. Even still I can't help cringing when I go back and read some of the poems/song lyrics I've written in the past.
But honestly, most of the best writers, musicians, artists etc. I know are all melodramatic people--to some degree. That's probably why so many artists/musicians suicide--because they're not logical enough. (Or if you're philosophically logical, but not mentally logical like Hemingway, the logical end to life would be to shoot yourself as he did.)
One of my good guy friends--also one of the best writers I know personally--is definitely a melodramatic dude. He openly admitted that he emotes like a female. I didn't bother to make him feel better about that one. I told him, "Yup, you definitely do emote like a female. I'm probably manlier than you are." (haha, just kidding--if you are that friend and happen to read this, don't kill me!)
I think I've come to perceive expressing emotions to people and in public as a weakness. I know the stereotype is that it's okay for women to cry and flail in public, and if a woman is crying for a good reason, it's completely understandable. Despite that, I still think it's inappropriate to express emotions that are too private or too vulnerable in public. This is why I hate PDA and can't stand people who do it--(and definitely stay away from guys who seem like the PDA types). Why do some people feel the need to prostitute their emotions and activities to the world? I don't get it. If you are going to slobber all over each other, do it behind a door at least.
I like to make fun of my melodramatic friends, but I guess I'm a hypocrite because I hide my melodramatic-ness. I suppose one of the few ways I do express this side is through music, writing or playing piano. Even still I can't help cringing when I go back and read some of the poems/song lyrics I've written in the past.
But honestly, most of the best writers, musicians, artists etc. I know are all melodramatic people--to some degree. That's probably why so many artists/musicians suicide--because they're not logical enough. (Or if you're philosophically logical, but not mentally logical like Hemingway, the logical end to life would be to shoot yourself as he did.)
One of my good guy friends--also one of the best writers I know personally--is definitely a melodramatic dude. He openly admitted that he emotes like a female. I didn't bother to make him feel better about that one. I told him, "Yup, you definitely do emote like a female. I'm probably manlier than you are." (haha, just kidding--if you are that friend and happen to read this, don't kill me!)
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Stinkbug Battle
Written November 5, 2009
So I was busy working on my presentation when I look up and see this freaking HUGE stinkbug perched on one of my bedposts. I have to admit, the one facet of nature I cannot fully appreciate is its multitude of flying insects. Ones on the ground I can better deal with; I know I'm faster than them anyway. But the flying ones scare me the most.
I jumped up immediately and decided on my plan of action. Luckily, Dennis and Rebecca both bought me an electric bug zapper in Taiwan, which I brought with me to college. (For anyone who doesn't know what it looks like, it's pretty much like a tennis racket, except smaller and electrically charged.)
I carefully moved back my blanket--I wanted to avoid any insect legs/guts that might spray onto my bed--and slammed the zapper on the intruder. I saw the electric sparks fly once, and then the little stinker disappeared.
I looked around cautiously--and I admit, I had to scream once and stifle a couple expletives when I saw it now perched inside one of my shoes. Apparently it only lost a leg the first time I slammed it. I quickly took my shoe and dumped it upside down and then quickly slammed the zapper again on the stinkbug. This time it died after being zapped 3 times.
I'm sorry if this story disturbed anyone who happens to love insects. The two things I do not tolerate in my room are 1.) guys who come to visit without telling me beforehand and 2.) bugs that also come unannounced. I will 赶走 (lit.translation: chuck) the intruders.
So I was busy working on my presentation when I look up and see this freaking HUGE stinkbug perched on one of my bedposts. I have to admit, the one facet of nature I cannot fully appreciate is its multitude of flying insects. Ones on the ground I can better deal with; I know I'm faster than them anyway. But the flying ones scare me the most.
I jumped up immediately and decided on my plan of action. Luckily, Dennis and Rebecca both bought me an electric bug zapper in Taiwan, which I brought with me to college. (For anyone who doesn't know what it looks like, it's pretty much like a tennis racket, except smaller and electrically charged.)
I carefully moved back my blanket--I wanted to avoid any insect legs/guts that might spray onto my bed--and slammed the zapper on the intruder. I saw the electric sparks fly once, and then the little stinker disappeared.
I looked around cautiously--and I admit, I had to scream once and stifle a couple expletives when I saw it now perched inside one of my shoes. Apparently it only lost a leg the first time I slammed it. I quickly took my shoe and dumped it upside down and then quickly slammed the zapper again on the stinkbug. This time it died after being zapped 3 times.
I'm sorry if this story disturbed anyone who happens to love insects. The two things I do not tolerate in my room are 1.) guys who come to visit without telling me beforehand and 2.) bugs that also come unannounced. I will 赶走 (lit.translation: chuck) the intruders.
25 Things (yes, I gave in that time)
Written March 15, 2009
I thought I'd do this for fun (and to waste time) before I start getting busy again after spring break. At least I'm done with midterms and papers--so I'm giving myself an excuse for procrastination. :)
1.) I never imagined myself at an all women's college, but I've been enjoying my time here so much. I can only say God knows me better than I do myself.
2.) So I love this school, but I love it even more because of all the Steinway pianos we have here. They are so beautiful..and they're all over the place!!! :D I am going to miss playing these when I graduate.
3.) I use a ton of bug spray in the summer. Ironically, I got more bug bites here at Wellesley than I did in Taiwan (which was truly a miracle!)
4.) I hate getting bug bites because my bites always swell up to a huge size--sometimes to a diameter of 3+ inches.
5.) I love photography, but I don't have much time or money to seriously develop my interest. I always tell myself when I'm retired I will pursue some of these other hobbies.
6.) Another random hobby I am interested in is Chinese calligraphy. I was really into practicing it at one point, but then I stopped because junior year of high school happened.
7.) I want to join the Wushu group at some point in college--try something I've never done before. :)
8.) Since coming to college, I've been inspired by people around me to eat healthier. SO MANY girls are vegetarians here--it's too bad, I love meat too much to ever give it up.
9.) I have a mini-drug store in my room. My friends here make fun of me and say I have my own pharmacy. But seriously, I'm convinced that taking vitamins every day has prevented me from getting sick--while everyone else around me has been getting the flu, some kind of virus, bronchitis, strep, etc.--I haven't gotten sick yet, thankfully.
10.) I think the reason that I've never gotten sick yet is also due to the fact that I've been getting more than 7 hours of sleep on average. This rarely happened in high school--yet another reason why I love college. :)
11.) Whoever invented hand warmers is a genius. I love you--whoever you are, out there in the world. My frozen extremities have been thawed many a time thanks to these handy little packets.
12.) I have this weird habit of putting my hand to my chin, or between my nose and my chin, whenever I'm thinking. If you've seen me do it before, you know what I mean.
13.) I sometimes laugh at totally inappropriate times during sermons/church services. There are times I just can't help myself--and the fact that I'm trying to stop myself from laughing makes it even worse.
14.) I think it's hilarious to watch people fall asleep in church--though half the time, I'm also unconscious.
15.) If I ever become a professor, I don't think I'll be offended if people fall asleep in my classes. I'll understand (and sympathize)--especially if it's an early morning class or right after lunch.
16.) I am forever grateful to have a bed, even though I can pretty much sleep anywhere.
17.) I think I can be somewhat violent at times. To be fair, the last time I punched my brother and broke his glasses was in late middle school. It's funny, because originally I was going to slap his head, but it somehow turned into a fist mid-air...
18.) My brother is actually one of my closest friends now, even though we used to fight a lot when we were younger. (All right Justin, don't be too embarrassed reading this.)
19.) I like all of the seasons except for summer in the Northeast, even though there's no school. To be specific, I like early summer, but not mid through late summer. I think I love the aesthetic variations in fall, winter, and spring the most.
20.) I can't wait to get to heaven and have a longgg discussion with God.
21.) Whenever I need alone time, I like going to the bookstore or talking a walk outside.
22.) I kind of wish Rush Limbaugh would suddenly get a stroke--not die of course--but at least be immobilized.
23.) I walk really fast. I used to get so frustrated with people in my high school who always seemed to walk half an inch for every step. Thank God, I'm now at a school where pretty much everyone walks fast.
24.) Since last year, I've been getting a lot of random dizzy spells. I think it happens most often whenever I'm overexcited, over-stressed, or tired out.
25.) I am such an idealist and optimist at heart. I'm not a cynic now, but I used to never think ill of anyone or the world. Reality hit me eventually.
PS: To waste more time, read this short article I saw awhile ago on TIME about the 25 Things trend on facebook: http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1877187,00.html
I thought I'd do this for fun (and to waste time) before I start getting busy again after spring break. At least I'm done with midterms and papers--so I'm giving myself an excuse for procrastination. :)
1.) I never imagined myself at an all women's college, but I've been enjoying my time here so much. I can only say God knows me better than I do myself.
2.) So I love this school, but I love it even more because of all the Steinway pianos we have here. They are so beautiful..and they're all over the place!!! :D I am going to miss playing these when I graduate.
3.) I use a ton of bug spray in the summer. Ironically, I got more bug bites here at Wellesley than I did in Taiwan (which was truly a miracle!)
4.) I hate getting bug bites because my bites always swell up to a huge size--sometimes to a diameter of 3+ inches.
5.) I love photography, but I don't have much time or money to seriously develop my interest. I always tell myself when I'm retired I will pursue some of these other hobbies.
6.) Another random hobby I am interested in is Chinese calligraphy. I was really into practicing it at one point, but then I stopped because junior year of high school happened.
7.) I want to join the Wushu group at some point in college--try something I've never done before. :)
8.) Since coming to college, I've been inspired by people around me to eat healthier. SO MANY girls are vegetarians here--it's too bad, I love meat too much to ever give it up.
9.) I have a mini-drug store in my room. My friends here make fun of me and say I have my own pharmacy. But seriously, I'm convinced that taking vitamins every day has prevented me from getting sick--while everyone else around me has been getting the flu, some kind of virus, bronchitis, strep, etc.--I haven't gotten sick yet, thankfully.
10.) I think the reason that I've never gotten sick yet is also due to the fact that I've been getting more than 7 hours of sleep on average. This rarely happened in high school--yet another reason why I love college. :)
11.) Whoever invented hand warmers is a genius. I love you--whoever you are, out there in the world. My frozen extremities have been thawed many a time thanks to these handy little packets.
12.) I have this weird habit of putting my hand to my chin, or between my nose and my chin, whenever I'm thinking. If you've seen me do it before, you know what I mean.
13.) I sometimes laugh at totally inappropriate times during sermons/church services. There are times I just can't help myself--and the fact that I'm trying to stop myself from laughing makes it even worse.
14.) I think it's hilarious to watch people fall asleep in church--though half the time, I'm also unconscious.
15.) If I ever become a professor, I don't think I'll be offended if people fall asleep in my classes. I'll understand (and sympathize)--especially if it's an early morning class or right after lunch.
16.) I am forever grateful to have a bed, even though I can pretty much sleep anywhere.
17.) I think I can be somewhat violent at times. To be fair, the last time I punched my brother and broke his glasses was in late middle school. It's funny, because originally I was going to slap his head, but it somehow turned into a fist mid-air...
18.) My brother is actually one of my closest friends now, even though we used to fight a lot when we were younger. (All right Justin, don't be too embarrassed reading this.)
19.) I like all of the seasons except for summer in the Northeast, even though there's no school. To be specific, I like early summer, but not mid through late summer. I think I love the aesthetic variations in fall, winter, and spring the most.
20.) I can't wait to get to heaven and have a longgg discussion with God.
21.) Whenever I need alone time, I like going to the bookstore or talking a walk outside.
22.) I kind of wish Rush Limbaugh would suddenly get a stroke--not die of course--but at least be immobilized.
23.) I walk really fast. I used to get so frustrated with people in my high school who always seemed to walk half an inch for every step. Thank God, I'm now at a school where pretty much everyone walks fast.
24.) Since last year, I've been getting a lot of random dizzy spells. I think it happens most often whenever I'm overexcited, over-stressed, or tired out.
25.) I am such an idealist and optimist at heart. I'm not a cynic now, but I used to never think ill of anyone or the world. Reality hit me eventually.
PS: To waste more time, read this short article I saw awhile ago on TIME about the 25 Things trend on facebook: http://www.time.com/time/a
Thank You, Mr. Machiavelli
Written August 13, 2008
After reading The Prince, I have to say, if there is one person in history besides Jesus I'd love to meet, it would be Niccolo Machiavelli. The guy is hilarious. I actually wrote LOL in my notes on the side of the page. Take a look at these lines:
"...for fortune is a woman, and it is necessary, if you wish to master her, to conquer her by force; and it can be seen that she lets herself be overcome by the bold rather than by those who proceed coldly. And therefore, like a woman, she is always a friend to the young, because they are less cautious, fiercer, and master her with greater audacity."
What kind of obnoxious, sexist idea is that? All (most) women will be conquered by force? I wonder what kind of women Machiavelli dealt with in his life...probably not many. The poor man must have been bitter. Well, however sexist that may have seemed, his concept is true to a certain extent. Fortune is indeed taken advantage of by the young and audacious, though not always yielding the most exemplary of results.
Whatever defects he may have as a man, Machiavelli is a true political genius. Shrewd, manipulative, charismatic, hypocritical, courageous, tactfully deceptive--all of these are qualities of the ideal prince he describes. And if you look at our politics today and examine the relatively successful and skilled politicians of our times, most if not all of them possess a number of these qualities. (And yes, I'm referring to the likes of Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, FDR, etc.)
These lines are the golden rule for today's politicians: "It is not, therefore, necessary for a prince to have all the above-named qualities, but it is very necessary to seem to have them...Everybody sees what you appear to be, few feel what you are, and those few will not dare to oppose themselves to the many..."[Italics added] In short, Machiavelli is insinuating that the majority of the people in a country are idiots, and that a politician who puts on a good show will be well-received. I cannot say I disagree, as much as I find the concept disgusting.
I was relieved when I read chapter 25, on How Much Fortune Can Do in Human Affairs and How It May Be Opposed. Yes, Mr. Machiavelli, your principles are all good and true (perhaps not always ethically good), but these are all useless if God does not give the opportunity!
His conclusion comforts me, because I know I can still trust in a God who is sovereign over all--and that whoever becomes president in the next year and the years after would not be there if God did not appoint him to that position.
"I conclude then that [God given] fortune varying and men remaining fixed in their ways, they are successful so long as these ways conform to circumstances..."
Thank you, Mr. Machiavelli, for proving that God is sovereign over all circumstances, in spite of all schemes and machinations of men. --Proverbs 16:9
After reading The Prince, I have to say, if there is one person in history besides Jesus I'd love to meet, it would be Niccolo Machiavelli. The guy is hilarious. I actually wrote LOL in my notes on the side of the page. Take a look at these lines:
"...for fortune is a woman, and it is necessary, if you wish to master her, to conquer her by force; and it can be seen that she lets herself be overcome by the bold rather than by those who proceed coldly. And therefore, like a woman, she is always a friend to the young, because they are less cautious, fiercer, and master her with greater audacity."
What kind of obnoxious, sexist idea is that? All (most) women will be conquered by force? I wonder what kind of women Machiavelli dealt with in his life...probably not many. The poor man must have been bitter. Well, however sexist that may have seemed, his concept is true to a certain extent. Fortune is indeed taken advantage of by the young and audacious, though not always yielding the most exemplary of results.
Whatever defects he may have as a man, Machiavelli is a true political genius. Shrewd, manipulative, charismatic, hypocritical, courageous, tactfully deceptive--all of these are qualities of the ideal prince he describes. And if you look at our politics today and examine the relatively successful and skilled politicians of our times, most if not all of them possess a number of these qualities. (And yes, I'm referring to the likes of Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, FDR, etc.)
These lines are the golden rule for today's politicians: "It is not, therefore, necessary for a prince to have all the above-named qualities, but it is very necessary to seem to have them...Everybody sees what you appear to be, few feel what you are, and those few will not dare to oppose themselves to the many..."[Italics added] In short, Machiavelli is insinuating that the majority of the people in a country are idiots, and that a politician who puts on a good show will be well-received. I cannot say I disagree, as much as I find the concept disgusting.
I was relieved when I read chapter 25, on How Much Fortune Can Do in Human Affairs and How It May Be Opposed. Yes, Mr. Machiavelli, your principles are all good and true (perhaps not always ethically good), but these are all useless if God does not give the opportunity!
His conclusion comforts me, because I know I can still trust in a God who is sovereign over all--and that whoever becomes president in the next year and the years after would not be there if God did not appoint him to that position.
"I conclude then that [God given] fortune varying and men remaining fixed in their ways, they are successful so long as these ways conform to circumstances..."
Thank you, Mr. Machiavelli, for proving that God is sovereign over all circumstances, in spite of all schemes and machinations of men. --Proverbs 16:9
Memories, Musings Encapsulated
I finally abandoned my old xanga. There is a small sense of loss and guilt in doing so, but I assuage my "guilt" with the thought that it has served its purpose well during my middle and high school years. It's like an old stuffed animal that you keep on your bed but never play with anymore. Maybe you hug it once in awhile (secretly).
So what's the purpose of this blog? I like agendas, so I'll establish one early on--meaning now. Because I hate writing notes on facebook, and because my prayer/personal journal serves another purpose, this blog will feature any random musings/memories/stories. And just so I can delete my notes on facebook, I'll copy and paste a few of them to here.
So what's the purpose of this blog? I like agendas, so I'll establish one early on--meaning now. Because I hate writing notes on facebook, and because my prayer/personal journal serves another purpose, this blog will feature any random musings/memories/stories. And just so I can delete my notes on facebook, I'll copy and paste a few of them to here.
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