Just finished another paper--2/3! One more to go. I wish everything didn't have to happen all at once. Why does everything in life have to come at me all at once at times? And I'm not just referring to academic work.
I hate being a girl sometimes. Okay, I should retract that statement. Being a girl can be great. Other times not so much--and I'm not just referring to that time of the month.
I remember asking God why I couldn't have been made a guy instead. For any friends reading this, please don't misunderstand. I haven't rejected my gender in any way, nor do I plan to undergo any kind of transformative surgery. ("Transformative" is not a word, but I don't care.) I sometimes wonder if life would be less troublesome if I were actually a guy. I wouldn't have to worry about drama as much and I could do the things I want to do without having to worrying about planning for a family. This past semester, I talked to one of my favorite professors about future life plans. Although he was encouraging, at one point he stopped me and said half-seriously, "I know you have a lot of energy Grace, but take one thing at a time. You can do all those things if you want, but the only factor you might have to consider is whether or not you want to have kids." I laughed it off and agreed that this was true. (Dang it God! Why couldn't men have babies instead?) Okay, I love kids--and I'm pretty sure I want to be a mom at some point. But really, why did God have to make women the reproductive carriers of life??
And if I were a guy, I wouldn't have to deal with all the social pressure I'm getting now to date. I'm not saying guys don't get this kind of pressure either; I'm sure guys do as well. But it can't be as bad as girls, since most guys date later in life anyway. It wasn't so bad freshman year, but now that I'm nearing 21--oh, so old!--I've been hearing a lot about people asking my mother whether or not I have a boyfriend yet, how about we introduce my son/so-and-so to her? It's nice of them to be concerned for my welfare, and I appreciate the thought. It's actually flattering too to some extent to hear about all the offers/calls. But most of the time it only adds to the pressure. I start doubting and questioning myself. Maybe I should be less scrupulous about this whole dating scheme? Maybe I should just date the guys who ask/the ones I'm slightly interested in for the fun of it? But I honestly can't do that with a clear conscience. It's a waste of time, money and heart for both sides if I know in the long run it's not going to last.
And here's the other tricky issue: saying no to people. I give guys props for being upfront and honest. In fact, I highly respect them for it--and for those who can understand that I'm not looking to date at this time, we usually stay good friends. But if I can help it, I'll usually try to avoid even getting to that point and give people "hints" so they don't waste their time. This is one thing I wish I could tell guys off the bat but it would be way too awkward to--if I ever give a subtle no, it's usually because of these two main reasons. 1.) As I've stated already, I'm not looking to date at this time. Not to say that might not change, but as of now, I'm not convinced yet God wants me to. 2.) I don't think our personalities are compatible, which isn't anything either person could change (or should change) in any case. I wish I could say this ahead of time so guys don't take it personally or end up with a wounded ego.
To quote a friend: wouldn't things be much easier if we were all like amoebas and could reproduce asexually?
