Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Trust & Obey
There was a period of time, shortly before the fall semester, when I was so frustrated, and even angry with God. I was aware, even in my anger, that I could never justify my own anger in the presence of an omnipotent, omniscient, almighty God. But in my frustration, I cried out and wept before Him as I could to my dearest Friend.
Thankfully that stormier period has passed now, though there are still days when it revisits. In those periods, I am reminded most that in my weakness, His grace is sufficient.
I am more cognizant at this point in time, that He may ask me to sacrifice other things dear to me in the future -- things I cannot even imagine as of yet. Sometimes it is a test, for a temporary period of time, as He had asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Other times, it is permanently, as reflected in the shadow of the cross.
I am fortunate to even have some explanation. Sometimes, God won't even give an explanation. It is simply: trust and obey -- complete surrender. He must know my faith is not at that point yet, so He is gracious.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Hellos & Goodbyes
A Time for Everything
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
The above passage is an apt summary. There is a time for everything under heaven--a time for beginnings and a time for an end; a time to hold, and a time to let go; a time to grieve, and a time to rejoice; a time for hellos, and a time for goodbyes.
I have avoided updating this blog for some time. I told myself and others that I needed time to rest and time to reflect before writing anything. Thank God for this year; I am finally learning what it means to be still and to rest.
Two key words come to mind when I think of you, Baltimore: memorable and grace.
I won't forget you, Baltimore. Even though you put me through hell and kicked me to rock-bottom, I won't forget the times you brought a smile to my face--or the times I felt like I was slipping, falling, tripping on the way up the mountain, but at last making it to the top to see the sunrise. I won't forget the times I felt like giving up on you, only to be drawn back by His grace. There were many times I wanted to run away, to cut you off entirely, only to be prompted by Him to give you another chance.
I wasn't sure how long the storm would last, or if my tattered sails would even last through the storm. In the end, His grace was enough. I always conceptually understood grace--but ironically, despite bearing the name myself--I never fully experienced grace till I met you. In those cowardly moments when I briefly considered crashing my car so I could injure myself and not have to see you the rest of the year, He gave me just enough to keep going. Those Sunday nights when I drove back to you with tears streaming down my face, He would encourage me just enough to make it back in time.
I asked God to show me the true face of the inner city, and He answered in ways beyond imagination. I laugh now when I think back to August. What was I thinking praying something like this?!
Through you--I saw darkness; I saw despair; a bottomless pit in the middle of a path. Yet in spite of it all, rays of light shone through cracks in the cavern; peeping buds shot up from the floor of a scorched forest. I saw through you--God has not forgotten; He has never abandoned.
If I had not known you, I would never have understood grace. If not for you, I would never have been on my knees--surrendering all to Him. As difficult as you were to love at times, you will forever hold a place in my memories.
Every day I walk into the Princeton campus, I thank God for His faithfulness--in both the peaks and the valleys. Even in a period of new beginnings, I can't help but think of you at times. How vast the contrast! And how distant it all seems now.
And though you will continue to fade into the background of my memories, I pray that I will not forget so easily. I pray that what I saw through you will be seared in my memories, so I will not forget His grace and His faithfulness.
So now, Baltimore, I bid you farewell. Who knows when we will cross paths next? It may have to be an accidental meeting, but if so, I hope it will be pleasant.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Why I joined TFA
While this past week has perhaps been one of the most difficult in my life, surprisingly, I feel unfazed at the end of this roller-coaster week. I don't know if I should attribute this current mental state to unconscious suppression of fear/anxiety on my part or if I have just arrived at the point where I think, "No, duh, what else did I expect? A walk in the park with ice-cream?"
Physical fights have already occurred in my classroom, and while it is terrible and even scary to witness 7 year-olds throwing punches at each other or girls pulling out each others' braids, I am not quite sure why I do not feel more shocked. Perhaps I really have mentally prepared myself to the point that when these things occur, I am not overly shocked or surprised.
I do not want to arrive at the point of indifference, because it is a tragedy to witness such events in the classroom. This is the definition of an "unruly, destructive" classroom environment, based on the TAL rubric TFA uses.
Lord, I pray that I will not become indifferent. Break my heart for the things that break yours. Help me to see these children through your eyes, and give me wisdom and love when I am working with my kids.
To remind myself why I joined TFA, I have to turn back the clock to the previous September. When I applied to TFA in the last few hours before the deadline, part of me hoped that the rigor of the application process would conclude with a polite rejection letter. After having done multiple internships relating to public service or the public sector, I thought to myself, "I am going to try something new and work in the private sector--make some bank and save up for graduate school. No more unpaid internships for me!" Undoubtedly, I was motivated by some personal selfishness when applying to private sector jobs. And while there is nothing wrong with working in the private sector, it was clear that I lacked conviction when interviewing for these positions, and it showed through in my interviews.
The first time I met with a TFA recruiter, I went into it thinking, "I'll just talk with them and see how it goes." No expectations of much, just a casual conversation to learn more about TFA. The recruiter was warm, bright-eyed and cheery: the epitome of TFA optimism and goodwill. I remember asking her some tough questions; I hoped to get a genuine picture of TFA--not some packaged, rose-colored baloney. The recruiter did not disappoint for the most part; she gave me pretty honest answers along with the bright lining.
I usually don't become overly emotional in public, much less cry--but when I started telling her about my kids in Chinatown, I surprised myself when I felt little wet balls trickling down my face. (What was this!? Why did these come out now!?) I did not understand then why I could not control myself, and I immediately apologized to the recruiter with a hurried, "I am so sorry; I usually don't get this emotional." I saw the recruiter get red-eyed as well, but of course she waved off my apology and let me continue with my story after I tamped down my chokey voice.
After I finished the meeting, I went out to the lake area at Wellesley and sat down on a rock to calm myself. I felt the little kick in my gut then to apply, but avoided applying--and even tried to avoid some of the recruiter's emails and phone calls. On the last day, in the last few hours of the application deadline, I made a similar decision to one I had made four years ago: apply to something important at the last minute. For someone who can be a bit of a control freak with my deadlines, these kinds of scenarios are my nightmares. What is most ironic is that the two places I applied to last minute--Wellesley and Teach For America--was where I ended up after my initial resistance to both. (I wonder if this Jonah arc will be a recurring pattern in my life? Knock on wood...)
At the end of this summer, I have realized a few things. The first is that my primary passion at this point in time is not rooted in the issue of education, but in the people it seeks to empower. I did not join TFA because I wanted to go into education or education policy in the long run, but because I saw that I could spend these next two years wholly devoting my time and energy to investing in people's lives in the direct setting of a classroom. The majority of the global economy, excepting the underground economy, is involved in or connected to investing in people's lives in some form or another. If I could create a vision and goal for each of my students as their teacher--inspire each of them based on their individual talents and potential to achieve and become leaders and changemakers in their families, their future careers, their community, in this world--what else could be a worthier investment? It is admittedly a lofty vision, but after spending time with my students this summer, I realize this was what drives me most in my interactions with my students. I love helping them to find purpose and recognize a dream, a goal to aim for--but if I could go a step further and give them a vision beyond their personal dream--to become purposeful leaders and changemakers for the next generation, this is probably one of the best investments of time and energy, if not the best.
Physical fights have already occurred in my classroom, and while it is terrible and even scary to witness 7 year-olds throwing punches at each other or girls pulling out each others' braids, I am not quite sure why I do not feel more shocked. Perhaps I really have mentally prepared myself to the point that when these things occur, I am not overly shocked or surprised.
I do not want to arrive at the point of indifference, because it is a tragedy to witness such events in the classroom. This is the definition of an "unruly, destructive" classroom environment, based on the TAL rubric TFA uses.
Lord, I pray that I will not become indifferent. Break my heart for the things that break yours. Help me to see these children through your eyes, and give me wisdom and love when I am working with my kids.
To remind myself why I joined TFA, I have to turn back the clock to the previous September. When I applied to TFA in the last few hours before the deadline, part of me hoped that the rigor of the application process would conclude with a polite rejection letter. After having done multiple internships relating to public service or the public sector, I thought to myself, "I am going to try something new and work in the private sector--make some bank and save up for graduate school. No more unpaid internships for me!" Undoubtedly, I was motivated by some personal selfishness when applying to private sector jobs. And while there is nothing wrong with working in the private sector, it was clear that I lacked conviction when interviewing for these positions, and it showed through in my interviews.
The first time I met with a TFA recruiter, I went into it thinking, "I'll just talk with them and see how it goes." No expectations of much, just a casual conversation to learn more about TFA. The recruiter was warm, bright-eyed and cheery: the epitome of TFA optimism and goodwill. I remember asking her some tough questions; I hoped to get a genuine picture of TFA--not some packaged, rose-colored baloney. The recruiter did not disappoint for the most part; she gave me pretty honest answers along with the bright lining.
I usually don't become overly emotional in public, much less cry--but when I started telling her about my kids in Chinatown, I surprised myself when I felt little wet balls trickling down my face. (What was this!? Why did these come out now!?) I did not understand then why I could not control myself, and I immediately apologized to the recruiter with a hurried, "I am so sorry; I usually don't get this emotional." I saw the recruiter get red-eyed as well, but of course she waved off my apology and let me continue with my story after I tamped down my chokey voice.
After I finished the meeting, I went out to the lake area at Wellesley and sat down on a rock to calm myself. I felt the little kick in my gut then to apply, but avoided applying--and even tried to avoid some of the recruiter's emails and phone calls. On the last day, in the last few hours of the application deadline, I made a similar decision to one I had made four years ago: apply to something important at the last minute. For someone who can be a bit of a control freak with my deadlines, these kinds of scenarios are my nightmares. What is most ironic is that the two places I applied to last minute--Wellesley and Teach For America--was where I ended up after my initial resistance to both. (I wonder if this Jonah arc will be a recurring pattern in my life? Knock on wood...)
At the end of this summer, I have realized a few things. The first is that my primary passion at this point in time is not rooted in the issue of education, but in the people it seeks to empower. I did not join TFA because I wanted to go into education or education policy in the long run, but because I saw that I could spend these next two years wholly devoting my time and energy to investing in people's lives in the direct setting of a classroom. The majority of the global economy, excepting the underground economy, is involved in or connected to investing in people's lives in some form or another. If I could create a vision and goal for each of my students as their teacher--inspire each of them based on their individual talents and potential to achieve and become leaders and changemakers in their families, their future careers, their community, in this world--what else could be a worthier investment? It is admittedly a lofty vision, but after spending time with my students this summer, I realize this was what drives me most in my interactions with my students. I love helping them to find purpose and recognize a dream, a goal to aim for--but if I could go a step further and give them a vision beyond their personal dream--to become purposeful leaders and changemakers for the next generation, this is probably one of the best investments of time and energy, if not the best.
Monday, May 2, 2011
God's Provision
God is amazing, and He is faithful. Just so I don't forget these events, I am recording the following:
Lost and found again!
This event reminded me of Jesus' parables. Being the somewhat, (fine, really), absentminded person I am at times, I somehow misplaced my keys last weekend while running around on and off campus. I've only lost my one-card at Wellesley once in my 3 years here, so losing both my one-card and dorm keys was... --> -__- I have no words. I had also just come back from a prayer meeting with foreign house church leaders, and I couldn't help thinking ironically, "God, is this my punishment??" Doesn't it sound stupid to care so much about little things like this? I don't know why I made a mountain out of a molehill. (Maybe I need to experience a major tragedy to not care about these kinds of things.) But at that moment, thinking about the extra costs that would be incurred (I think it's $10+ for the one-card, and probably $30+ for room keys??), I was SO ANNOYED AND ANGRY at myself for not being more careful.
As I walked out of the dorm, I prayed and asked God to pleasehelpmefindthesekeysIpromiseI'llbemorecarefulnexttime!! :( Sad and pathetic, I know. God heard me I guess, because an image popped into my mind of me swiping the keys at one dorm to let another girl and myself into the building. I was debating whether I should go to Stone-D first or Caz--but with the image and the H.S's prompting, I went to Caz to see if my keys were there. Sure enough, they were lying on a couch in the living room of Caz. I don't remember feeling this relieved in a long time. Walking out of there, I thought, "Thank you God for your faithfulness in the little things of life. Thank you that these keys weren't lost off campus, and thank you for not making me walk an extra 15 minutes to Stone D."-->I know God is good to me too because He knows how much I hate wasted time. ^^
The resurrected laptop
So before beginning my work-out last Tuesday, I thought it would be a good idea to unplug the power cord from my laptop. The whiney-sounding noise that came from it as I pulled it out proved to be a dire foreshadowing. Thinking, "Oh, no big deal, this has happened before," I tried the power button, pushing down longer than usual. Still no response. "Oh well whatever," I proceeded with my workout, thinking maybe the extra time will help it recover?
When I came back again to try my usual trouble-shooting methods, still no response. I called my dad, and he told me to try different methods, but none worked. After lunch I visited the computing help desk--no help from them either. When the librarian told me that all school laptops were unavailable till next week, the panic began to settle in. One of my semester papers was due on Friday, and all of my work on the paper so far was saved on my laptop. Thankfully, a friend responded to my SOS for help, and kindly offered to lend me an extra laptop. *Shout-out to Andrew: THANKS ANDREW. :D
At this point, I was still feeling somewhat deflated despite the ray of hope offered to me through Andrew, so I waste another hour trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with my laptop. I prayed another pathetic prayer: pleaseGoddon'tletthehardrivediepleasenottheharddriveANDNOTWHENIHAVEAPAPERDUEINTHREEDAYS!!! In the middle of my ruminations, another God-given inspiration popped into my brain--try plugging in the power cord again and leave it alone for awhile. (And yes, God totally takes credit for this because I am the one of the most computer-illiterate, technologically unsaavy people I know--and if my dad and the computing desk at my school couldn't help me, I don't know who can.)
I should mention an important detail at this point. My laptop battery had been dead for some months now, but I was too lazy to order a new one so I relied on using the power cord. I'm guessing that when I suddenly (and perhaps a little too violently?) pulled out the power cord, I shocked my poor little laptop into paralysis. Trying to turn on a laptop with a dead battery didn't help matters, but when my power cord failed me as well, I could only imagine the worst had happened, and my faithful little laptop was dead.
With this little bit of inspiration, I left my potentially fried, battery-dead laptop plugged into an outlet. After a little over a half hour, I saw a sign of life! On the lower right hand corner of my laptop, the power cord symbol lit up! The skeptic in me thought that perhaps this was just like before; earlier in the trouble-shooting stage I tried plugging in the laptop and saw the power cord symbol light up, but after hitting the power button, the light immediately flickered and went black.
I cautiously hit the power button this time, and to my amazement my laptop turned on! I was in the library during this time so I could only express my amazement to my cousin through gchat: OMG A MIRACLE JUST HAPPENED. Even now, I still can't fully figure out if this was a technological miracle or not. Considering the fact that I had essentially done the same thing earlier by leaving the power cord plugged into the laptop--but to no avail--what could be a potential explanation? I'm not sure...whatever the explanation might be, thank you God for allowing my laptop to recover! (And thank you that the problem wasn't with the hard-drive!) I don't know what I would have done if I lost all my files and the paper I had been working on...
Lost and found again!
This event reminded me of Jesus' parables. Being the somewhat, (fine, really), absentminded person I am at times, I somehow misplaced my keys last weekend while running around on and off campus. I've only lost my one-card at Wellesley once in my 3 years here, so losing both my one-card and dorm keys was... --> -__- I have no words. I had also just come back from a prayer meeting with foreign house church leaders, and I couldn't help thinking ironically, "God, is this my punishment??" Doesn't it sound stupid to care so much about little things like this? I don't know why I made a mountain out of a molehill. (Maybe I need to experience a major tragedy to not care about these kinds of things.) But at that moment, thinking about the extra costs that would be incurred (I think it's $10+ for the one-card, and probably $30+ for room keys??), I was SO ANNOYED AND ANGRY at myself for not being more careful.
As I walked out of the dorm, I prayed and asked God to pleasehelpmefindthesekeysIpromiseI'llbemorecarefulnexttime!! :( Sad and pathetic, I know. God heard me I guess, because an image popped into my mind of me swiping the keys at one dorm to let another girl and myself into the building. I was debating whether I should go to Stone-D first or Caz--but with the image and the H.S's prompting, I went to Caz to see if my keys were there. Sure enough, they were lying on a couch in the living room of Caz. I don't remember feeling this relieved in a long time. Walking out of there, I thought, "Thank you God for your faithfulness in the little things of life. Thank you that these keys weren't lost off campus, and thank you for not making me walk an extra 15 minutes to Stone D."-->I know God is good to me too because He knows how much I hate wasted time. ^^
The resurrected laptop
So before beginning my work-out last Tuesday, I thought it would be a good idea to unplug the power cord from my laptop. The whiney-sounding noise that came from it as I pulled it out proved to be a dire foreshadowing. Thinking, "Oh, no big deal, this has happened before," I tried the power button, pushing down longer than usual. Still no response. "Oh well whatever," I proceeded with my workout, thinking maybe the extra time will help it recover?
When I came back again to try my usual trouble-shooting methods, still no response. I called my dad, and he told me to try different methods, but none worked. After lunch I visited the computing help desk--no help from them either. When the librarian told me that all school laptops were unavailable till next week, the panic began to settle in. One of my semester papers was due on Friday, and all of my work on the paper so far was saved on my laptop. Thankfully, a friend responded to my SOS for help, and kindly offered to lend me an extra laptop. *Shout-out to Andrew: THANKS ANDREW. :D
At this point, I was still feeling somewhat deflated despite the ray of hope offered to me through Andrew, so I waste another hour trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with my laptop. I prayed another pathetic prayer: pleaseGoddon'tletthehardrivediepleasenottheharddriveANDNOTWHENIHAVEAPAPERDUEINTHREEDAYS!!! In the middle of my ruminations, another God-given inspiration popped into my brain--try plugging in the power cord again and leave it alone for awhile. (And yes, God totally takes credit for this because I am the one of the most computer-illiterate, technologically unsaavy people I know--and if my dad and the computing desk at my school couldn't help me, I don't know who can.)
I should mention an important detail at this point. My laptop battery had been dead for some months now, but I was too lazy to order a new one so I relied on using the power cord. I'm guessing that when I suddenly (and perhaps a little too violently?) pulled out the power cord, I shocked my poor little laptop into paralysis. Trying to turn on a laptop with a dead battery didn't help matters, but when my power cord failed me as well, I could only imagine the worst had happened, and my faithful little laptop was dead.
With this little bit of inspiration, I left my potentially fried, battery-dead laptop plugged into an outlet. After a little over a half hour, I saw a sign of life! On the lower right hand corner of my laptop, the power cord symbol lit up! The skeptic in me thought that perhaps this was just like before; earlier in the trouble-shooting stage I tried plugging in the laptop and saw the power cord symbol light up, but after hitting the power button, the light immediately flickered and went black.
I cautiously hit the power button this time, and to my amazement my laptop turned on! I was in the library during this time so I could only express my amazement to my cousin through gchat: OMG A MIRACLE JUST HAPPENED. Even now, I still can't fully figure out if this was a technological miracle or not. Considering the fact that I had essentially done the same thing earlier by leaving the power cord plugged into the laptop--but to no avail--what could be a potential explanation? I'm not sure...whatever the explanation might be, thank you God for allowing my laptop to recover! (And thank you that the problem wasn't with the hard-drive!) I don't know what I would have done if I lost all my files and the paper I had been working on...
Yes, I know I need to do more back-up. Lesson learned there..
Another lesson learned in trust. It's interesting to see how God works in the midst of human foibles and mistakes--thanks again Friend.
Monday, January 17, 2011
No will of my own?!
So I've been meaning to write about this book, Experiencing God by Henry T. Blackaby since October, but I haven't had the time to get around to it till now. (And maybe it's a good thing, because I wouldn't have been able to write about what I experienced till now.)
Many of my close friends/acquaintances have probably heard me rave about this book at least once, but I highly recommend this book to anyone who hasn't heard of it yet. Experiencing God is probably one of the best Christian works on spiritual growth that I've read thus far. Although The Purpose-Driven Life was hugely popular for understandable reasons--and it appeals to a wider audience in general--I'd say that this book is another level up from The Purpose-Driven Life. While the latter is quite good for new Christians, I would say that the former is even better for growing Christians.
Of course, who will believe me without giving some proof? Below I'll share some excerpts/personal experiences from this semester while reading through this book.
For anyone who's ever asked the questions, how do I know what I'm doing in life is right? or, how do I know what I'm doing is in alignment with God's will? or an even more basic question, how do I even know God's will? (How do we hear God's voice, for example?)
This book answers all those questions and more. Here's an excerpt I especially love, which describes George Mueller's experience in knowing God's will. This excerpt is a summary/picture of the book's main ideas, and specifically, how Mueller summed up how he grew in his relationship with God and learned to discern God's voice:
1.) I seek at the beginning to get my heart into such a state that it has no will of its own in regard to a given matter. Nine-tenths of the trouble with people generally is just here. (Italics/Bold added) Nine-tenths of the difficulties are overcome when our hearts are ready to do the knowledge of what His will is.
2.) Having done this, I do not leave the result to feeling or simple impression. (bold added) If so, I make myself liable to great delusions.
3.) I seek the will of the Spirit of God through, or in connection with, the Word of God. The Spirit and the Word must be combined. (italics added) If I look to the Spirit alone without the Word, I lay myself open to great delusions also. (*note to charismatic churches haha--sorry, couldn't resist) If the Holy Ghost guides us at all, He will do it according to the Scriptures and never contrary to them.
4.) Next I take into account providential circumstances. These often plainly indicate God's will in connection with His Word and Spirit.
5.) I ask God in prayer to reveal His will to me aright.
6.) Thus, (1) through prayer to God, (2) the study of the Word, and (3) reflection, I come to a deliberate judgment according to the best of my ability and knowledge, and if my mind is thus at peace, and continues so after two or three more petitions, I proceed accordingly.
I think what struck me the most from this excerpt was the idea that we had to come to a point where we have absolutely "no will of our own" on a given matter. That was a revelation to me. I've always "known" in my head that it's important to surrender my life/will to God, but I never fully grasped what that entailed. And personally, this is one of my biggest struggles, even now. For those who know me well, you'd probably agree that I'm someone who always has an idea of where I'm headed in life, or at least, where I want to go and what I want to do. I can't stand not knowing what I want to do; that's why indecisive people who stay at point A without trying to get to point B really irritate me/make me angry at times. Not knowing how you eventually feel or think about something/someone/some object/goal in life is foreign to me. Making decisions is and never was a hard thing for me to do. If I decide to go for something, I go for it. If I decide to drop it, I drop it--not too many regrets after I've analyzed everything and methodically/logically made my decision.
I don't think Mueller is saying that we can't have any desires or will at all. God created us with a will and desires for a reason/certain purpose. He gave us certain inclinations and passions in life for a reason. Some will love music/arts/literature more than others; some will love math/science more than others. I believe these inclinations all serve a purpose. The key is to ultimately align our will with God and be willing to have no say in the matter. (ugh, that latter part was so hard for me to type out.) One of my biggest troubles here is having the faith to trust God. Another obstacle to coming to this point is my fear that what I want won't match up with what God wants. But my question now is, can I even want something at all? And the answer I just got now is, yes, I can want God's will. (dang it God, seriously?? That's so..vague.) Another thing that irritates me: vagueness/ambiguity. But it seems that God wants me to grow in faith through situations involving ambiguity.
Okay, what I know for sure is that God has given me certain desires and inclinations for a purpose--to serve Him and further His kingdom. But as to how I utilize those inclinations is where I might differ with God. For example, I thought God was leading me to do public service work in the long run, but now I'm not so sure anymore. Does He perhaps want me to work in the private sector first? or maybe even longer? All these things are so unsure right now..I really don't know anymore. I guess the results for where I'll be working this summer might be a possible indicator. It would be nice to say that I'm close to the point of having no decisive "will of my own" on this matter, but that's not completely true either. I'd still prefer to be in certain locations of the country, though I'm fine with either private or public sector work.
Another question I had on this point was, how do I come to the point where my heart has no will of its own in regard to a given matter? The short, and unfortunately vague answer to that would be to pray and ask God to transform my heart/life. And most importantly perhaps, is to "desire" my relationship with God above all else. I "know" in my head that once my relationship with God is right, everything else in my life will fall into place. Unfortunately, coming to that point is so much harder. But at least it's good to know that we don't have to rely on ourselves for this.
So I guess this is the period where I'm supposed to just wait on Him and see where He takes me. I guess it's both scary and exciting at the same time. :)
Many of my close friends/acquaintances have probably heard me rave about this book at least once, but I highly recommend this book to anyone who hasn't heard of it yet. Experiencing God is probably one of the best Christian works on spiritual growth that I've read thus far. Although The Purpose-Driven Life was hugely popular for understandable reasons--and it appeals to a wider audience in general--I'd say that this book is another level up from The Purpose-Driven Life. While the latter is quite good for new Christians, I would say that the former is even better for growing Christians.
Of course, who will believe me without giving some proof? Below I'll share some excerpts/personal experiences from this semester while reading through this book.
For anyone who's ever asked the questions, how do I know what I'm doing in life is right? or, how do I know what I'm doing is in alignment with God's will? or an even more basic question, how do I even know God's will? (How do we hear God's voice, for example?)
This book answers all those questions and more. Here's an excerpt I especially love, which describes George Mueller's experience in knowing God's will. This excerpt is a summary/picture of the book's main ideas, and specifically, how Mueller summed up how he grew in his relationship with God and learned to discern God's voice:
1.) I seek at the beginning to get my heart into such a state that it has no will of its own in regard to a given matter. Nine-tenths of the trouble with people generally is just here. (Italics/Bold added) Nine-tenths of the difficulties are overcome when our hearts are ready to do the knowledge of what His will is.
2.) Having done this, I do not leave the result to feeling or simple impression. (bold added) If so, I make myself liable to great delusions.
3.) I seek the will of the Spirit of God through, or in connection with, the Word of God. The Spirit and the Word must be combined. (italics added) If I look to the Spirit alone without the Word, I lay myself open to great delusions also. (*note to charismatic churches haha--sorry, couldn't resist) If the Holy Ghost guides us at all, He will do it according to the Scriptures and never contrary to them.
4.) Next I take into account providential circumstances. These often plainly indicate God's will in connection with His Word and Spirit.
5.) I ask God in prayer to reveal His will to me aright.
6.) Thus, (1) through prayer to God, (2) the study of the Word, and (3) reflection, I come to a deliberate judgment according to the best of my ability and knowledge, and if my mind is thus at peace, and continues so after two or three more petitions, I proceed accordingly.
I think what struck me the most from this excerpt was the idea that we had to come to a point where we have absolutely "no will of our own" on a given matter. That was a revelation to me. I've always "known" in my head that it's important to surrender my life/will to God, but I never fully grasped what that entailed. And personally, this is one of my biggest struggles, even now. For those who know me well, you'd probably agree that I'm someone who always has an idea of where I'm headed in life, or at least, where I want to go and what I want to do. I can't stand not knowing what I want to do; that's why indecisive people who stay at point A without trying to get to point B really irritate me/make me angry at times. Not knowing how you eventually feel or think about something/someone/some object/goal in life is foreign to me. Making decisions is and never was a hard thing for me to do. If I decide to go for something, I go for it. If I decide to drop it, I drop it--not too many regrets after I've analyzed everything and methodically/logically made my decision.
I don't think Mueller is saying that we can't have any desires or will at all. God created us with a will and desires for a reason/certain purpose. He gave us certain inclinations and passions in life for a reason. Some will love music/arts/literature more than others; some will love math/science more than others. I believe these inclinations all serve a purpose. The key is to ultimately align our will with God and be willing to have no say in the matter. (ugh, that latter part was so hard for me to type out.) One of my biggest troubles here is having the faith to trust God. Another obstacle to coming to this point is my fear that what I want won't match up with what God wants. But my question now is, can I even want something at all? And the answer I just got now is, yes, I can want God's will. (dang it God, seriously?? That's so..vague.) Another thing that irritates me: vagueness/ambiguity. But it seems that God wants me to grow in faith through situations involving ambiguity.
Okay, what I know for sure is that God has given me certain desires and inclinations for a purpose--to serve Him and further His kingdom. But as to how I utilize those inclinations is where I might differ with God. For example, I thought God was leading me to do public service work in the long run, but now I'm not so sure anymore. Does He perhaps want me to work in the private sector first? or maybe even longer? All these things are so unsure right now..I really don't know anymore. I guess the results for where I'll be working this summer might be a possible indicator. It would be nice to say that I'm close to the point of having no decisive "will of my own" on this matter, but that's not completely true either. I'd still prefer to be in certain locations of the country, though I'm fine with either private or public sector work.
Another question I had on this point was, how do I come to the point where my heart has no will of its own in regard to a given matter? The short, and unfortunately vague answer to that would be to pray and ask God to transform my heart/life. And most importantly perhaps, is to "desire" my relationship with God above all else. I "know" in my head that once my relationship with God is right, everything else in my life will fall into place. Unfortunately, coming to that point is so much harder. But at least it's good to know that we don't have to rely on ourselves for this.
So I guess this is the period where I'm supposed to just wait on Him and see where He takes me. I guess it's both scary and exciting at the same time. :)
Monday, October 25, 2010
Cons of being female
Just finished another paper--2/3! One more to go. I wish everything didn't have to happen all at once. Why does everything in life have to come at me all at once at times? And I'm not just referring to academic work.
I hate being a girl sometimes. Okay, I should retract that statement. Being a girl can be great. Other times not so much--and I'm not just referring to that time of the month.
I remember asking God why I couldn't have been made a guy instead. For any friends reading this, please don't misunderstand. I haven't rejected my gender in any way, nor do I plan to undergo any kind of transformative surgery. ("Transformative" is not a word, but I don't care.) I sometimes wonder if life would be less troublesome if I were actually a guy. I wouldn't have to worry about drama as much and I could do the things I want to do without having to worrying about planning for a family. This past semester, I talked to one of my favorite professors about future life plans. Although he was encouraging, at one point he stopped me and said half-seriously, "I know you have a lot of energy Grace, but take one thing at a time. You can do all those things if you want, but the only factor you might have to consider is whether or not you want to have kids." I laughed it off and agreed that this was true. (Dang it God! Why couldn't men have babies instead?) Okay, I love kids--and I'm pretty sure I want to be a mom at some point. But really, why did God have to make women the reproductive carriers of life??
And if I were a guy, I wouldn't have to deal with all the social pressure I'm getting now to date. I'm not saying guys don't get this kind of pressure either; I'm sure guys do as well. But it can't be as bad as girls, since most guys date later in life anyway. It wasn't so bad freshman year, but now that I'm nearing 21--oh, so old!--I've been hearing a lot about people asking my mother whether or not I have a boyfriend yet, how about we introduce my son/so-and-so to her? It's nice of them to be concerned for my welfare, and I appreciate the thought. It's actually flattering too to some extent to hear about all the offers/calls. But most of the time it only adds to the pressure. I start doubting and questioning myself. Maybe I should be less scrupulous about this whole dating scheme? Maybe I should just date the guys who ask/the ones I'm slightly interested in for the fun of it? But I honestly can't do that with a clear conscience. It's a waste of time, money and heart for both sides if I know in the long run it's not going to last.
And here's the other tricky issue: saying no to people. I give guys props for being upfront and honest. In fact, I highly respect them for it--and for those who can understand that I'm not looking to date at this time, we usually stay good friends. But if I can help it, I'll usually try to avoid even getting to that point and give people "hints" so they don't waste their time. This is one thing I wish I could tell guys off the bat but it would be way too awkward to--if I ever give a subtle no, it's usually because of these two main reasons. 1.) As I've stated already, I'm not looking to date at this time. Not to say that might not change, but as of now, I'm not convinced yet God wants me to. 2.) I don't think our personalities are compatible, which isn't anything either person could change (or should change) in any case. I wish I could say this ahead of time so guys don't take it personally or end up with a wounded ego.
To quote a friend: wouldn't things be much easier if we were all like amoebas and could reproduce asexually?
I hate being a girl sometimes. Okay, I should retract that statement. Being a girl can be great. Other times not so much--and I'm not just referring to that time of the month.
I remember asking God why I couldn't have been made a guy instead. For any friends reading this, please don't misunderstand. I haven't rejected my gender in any way, nor do I plan to undergo any kind of transformative surgery. ("Transformative" is not a word, but I don't care.) I sometimes wonder if life would be less troublesome if I were actually a guy. I wouldn't have to worry about drama as much and I could do the things I want to do without having to worrying about planning for a family. This past semester, I talked to one of my favorite professors about future life plans. Although he was encouraging, at one point he stopped me and said half-seriously, "I know you have a lot of energy Grace, but take one thing at a time. You can do all those things if you want, but the only factor you might have to consider is whether or not you want to have kids." I laughed it off and agreed that this was true. (Dang it God! Why couldn't men have babies instead?) Okay, I love kids--and I'm pretty sure I want to be a mom at some point. But really, why did God have to make women the reproductive carriers of life??
And if I were a guy, I wouldn't have to deal with all the social pressure I'm getting now to date. I'm not saying guys don't get this kind of pressure either; I'm sure guys do as well. But it can't be as bad as girls, since most guys date later in life anyway. It wasn't so bad freshman year, but now that I'm nearing 21--oh, so old!--I've been hearing a lot about people asking my mother whether or not I have a boyfriend yet, how about we introduce my son/so-and-so to her? It's nice of them to be concerned for my welfare, and I appreciate the thought. It's actually flattering too to some extent to hear about all the offers/calls. But most of the time it only adds to the pressure. I start doubting and questioning myself. Maybe I should be less scrupulous about this whole dating scheme? Maybe I should just date the guys who ask/the ones I'm slightly interested in for the fun of it? But I honestly can't do that with a clear conscience. It's a waste of time, money and heart for both sides if I know in the long run it's not going to last.
And here's the other tricky issue: saying no to people. I give guys props for being upfront and honest. In fact, I highly respect them for it--and for those who can understand that I'm not looking to date at this time, we usually stay good friends. But if I can help it, I'll usually try to avoid even getting to that point and give people "hints" so they don't waste their time. This is one thing I wish I could tell guys off the bat but it would be way too awkward to--if I ever give a subtle no, it's usually because of these two main reasons. 1.) As I've stated already, I'm not looking to date at this time. Not to say that might not change, but as of now, I'm not convinced yet God wants me to. 2.) I don't think our personalities are compatible, which isn't anything either person could change (or should change) in any case. I wish I could say this ahead of time so guys don't take it personally or end up with a wounded ego.
To quote a friend: wouldn't things be much easier if we were all like amoebas and could reproduce asexually?
Friday, September 17, 2010
You never know where life will take you...
Yes, such a cliche title I know. But recently I can't help thinking that. Being the typical J person I am, I always plan ahead and strategize the steps I take towards fulfilling my goals. This is not to say that I calculate every single thing I do, because I can't predict every possible situation, but I try to foresee as much as I am able to. Of course this is where God comes in and throws the occasional wrench--the random x factor that I could not possibly have foreseen or predicted.
I've known since junior high that I wanted to go to law school and if I didn't become a lawyer, I'd at least be involved in the public sector. Right now, I'm not so sure if that's the path God is leading me towards anymore. Or at least, looking at the opportunities He has given me at this moment, I'm not sure if I will be going to law school immediately. It may be at least 5 years down the road before I do, if not more. I need to pray about this, and I hope God gives me an answer, SOON.
At the same time, I can't help appreciating the occasional wrench God throws at my plans. It does make life more exciting--and at least this particular one isn't unpleasant.
I've known since junior high that I wanted to go to law school and if I didn't become a lawyer, I'd at least be involved in the public sector. Right now, I'm not so sure if that's the path God is leading me towards anymore. Or at least, looking at the opportunities He has given me at this moment, I'm not sure if I will be going to law school immediately. It may be at least 5 years down the road before I do, if not more. I need to pray about this, and I hope God gives me an answer, SOON.
At the same time, I can't help appreciating the occasional wrench God throws at my plans. It does make life more exciting--and at least this particular one isn't unpleasant.
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